When last I posted I was leaving for a week-long Creative Retreat with no idea how it would go. Then I came home and the stark contrast between a week on my own and the one that followed in which I was scheduled to the teeth was more than a bit of a blow.

Ouch.

Once I finally dug myself out from under the obligations I had heaped upon myself, I ended up painting a small dragonfly. But wouldn’t you know it? Out for a week with nature at my doorstep and what do I paint? A dragonfly on the city sidewalk.

Which kind of seems to encapsulate how I do most things.

The Retreat was both exactly what I had hoped and not at all what I expected, and I now have a deep-seated appreciation for my desk chair at home. Or, at least, my butt and back certainly do! However, that is just all the more reason to get out into this gorgeousness:

Notes from my Creative Retreat

It was also, however, incredibly poor timing to go off to an abbey, surrounded by images of Christ, immediately after the overturning of Roe v. Wade since so many people on my social media are using God and Jesus to justify being complete asshats. The bible really comes down to two main themes: Care for each other and don’t judge. Neither of those themes is evident in most of what I am seeing posted. When called on their bullying behavior by others the response usually seems to be “So? The “other side” lost. Why shouldn’t we?” To which my first thought is “The other ‘side’ isn’t claiming to represent God.” I don’t think God would ever revel in someone’s pain. Pettiness and cruelty are human things. Which is one of many reasons I have problems with organized religion.

Also seen on social media is THIS POST. It says far better than I can a lot of what upsets me. I mean, other than that women are going to die from medical reasons like ectopic pregnancies and septic uteruses, from being denied medications they need for chronic illnesses because they are of child bearing age, and at the hands of their partners-because homicide was already the top cause of death in pregnant women so I can’t imagine the rates are going to suddenly decrease. Other than that. Since he said it better than I, I hope you will read it.

And none of that even touches on the decisions the court made regarding powers given to police and away from citizens. Or the independent state doctrine they are looking at next.  Since apparently those haven’t hit most people’s attention yet.

Normally I process things by talking, but since I was isolated, instead I did a lot of journaling and free writing. Reams of scribbles in an attempt to calm my brain and reduce the sick feeling in my stomach to something I could live with. In the process, this was the only piece that had any structure. I am not sure what it is, really. I don’t think it is a poem—or if it is, it is surely a bad one as I don’t know the first thing about poetry. But it is the only thing I produced that wasn’t a rant or a rage, and it interests me enough that it might grow up to be something someday. So I am sharing.

I don’t want to sit in church on Sunday
using the walls to pretend the pain outside does not belong to me,
claiming for myself
        what I refuse to others.
I don’t want to sit in church on Sunday
saturated in a version of God
        made convenient, rather than true,
holding firm
to faith that smells of fear.
I want to wake up on Sunday morning
and go walking in the ordinary miracle that is the world,
reminding myself
        that I am a part of it.
I want to walk on a Sunday morning
stopping to pick up broken glass scattered
like confetti on the concrete,
moving on
        without acknowledgement.

7 Responses

  1. I love reading your blog posts, and being partial to dragonflies and lovely colors, love the dragonfly painting too.

  2. You said, “Is this what men who have women to take care of the mental load for them experience nearly all the time?”. yep. It is why I got my shed.

  3. Enjoyed reading your post. Sounds like you had a productive time away from the usual. Loved your painting and photos too! Stay calm and keep producing, but only when you feel like it.

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